Chapter One: Reality

I just walked into the building, trying my best to look okay. With only one destination in mind, my locker. Where I go every morning. It's a safe haven. A place where I know I can be okay before i go out into the storm.

My pace is strong and my breathing is steady. I turn around the corner to go down the long hallway and I stop. Its like my feet are stuck in cement, cold hard cement. My eyes widen and my breathing stops. I know that bookbag. I use to be side by side with it. Why is it here. I got the memo i did what she wanted.

“ Its okay, just keep your head up and act like it doesn't bother you,” Maddie states knowing what was wrong before I even said anything.

“ I can’t. I should of stayed home. I can't do this,” I spit out.

“ Ally, stop it. Don’t let that girl get to you like this. You can’t let her dictate who you are and how you feel. Trust me, she’s not worth it anymore. You gave her another chance, went back to her again for the millionth time. She’s shown you what you want, know it's time to show her what you want,” Maddie said gripping me in her hands.

I think in my mind for a second. What if I still want her. What if my stupid self is okay with what happened and just wants everything to go back. I know i can't say that though. I take a deep breath to slow down my heart beat.

“ Your right, but I'm scared of her. I know how she can be, what she says, and without her i feel stupid. I know i can do it. My like mind tells me i'm okay, it wanted me to stop because its tired of this weakness. I chose to stop caring. All the times she got mad at me because she said I wasn't trying, she was right. I did stop trying, but i didn't think that me not trying for a little bit would lead to this,” I reply back.

“ I know,”  Maddie said in her soft, sweet, collected voice.

“But i don't even know what it is. I just can't do it. The voices i guess. They are saying i need to fight to prove myself to her. Show her that i'm good enough. Show her who i truly am, but i cant if i can't even look at her without a shiver going down my body, a panic stopping me from continuing what I'm doing, a voice telling me I'm not good enough,” i turn around and start to walk away. I feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes. The wall that I put up this morning to make sure i was okay, was know tumbling down. Like the twin towers did.

“ Aaliyah Marie cizer, stop it right now. You can do this. You are super strong, sometimes stubborn, but your also super nice. Turn around and lets go”

I turn back around and face Maddie. I walk next to her side, where i feel a little safer in this prison. A rush of panic starts to overwhelm my body as I walk towards my locker. The air starts to get thicker and thicker with every shaky breath I draw in. My steps weaken down the once long hallway. Growing shorter as my determined stance becomes not so determined. It's only the beginning of the day. The bell for first hour hasn't even rung yet.The walls of the hallway seemed shorter then every. Why? I asked myself. I had a plan. I always stick to my plans, just like I stick to my promises. Unfortunately my plan has already failed. Failed to keep my away from them. In the clear. The clear from missing it, wanting it, going back. Even though I know deep down that I will never be able to go back.

I walk next to Maddie down to my locker. Missing I contact with Brittany i sit down as far away from her as I can. The memories we had flash through my mind like a movie. I shake it off. Today is going to be okay no matter how hard it gets, how many stares i get, and how bad they talk about me.

It's only Monday. This Friday is the last week of school, but somehow, i know it's going to be one slow week. The minutes that makeup this day will feel like years. Why can’t i disappear. Slip away into my own world, with only the people who love me and want me.