In my room i examine my once picture filled room. The walls are now bare. Bare from the pictures that use to hang there. The ones i printed off and strung across my grey room. The ones that reminded me of the good times i had, the happy moments, and the life i want back. The pictures are now neatly in my drawer, near my bed. I was going to throw them away, but i wasn't able to throw those moments away. I couldn't act like they didn't mean something to me because they did. I could act like britney. Act like they never happened,likei don’t exist, and act like i’m the worse person ever, but again can't do that. I've went to the drawer with the intention of slipping them into the trash. My long, dark, hands grasp them and my feet move towards the trash, but when i try to let them go i freeze. I just can't do it.
I lay back on my bed, eyes shut, reflecting back onto my day. My horrible, headache wrenching day. yesterday I tried to lie to Chloe about something that only i know because i knew if i told the truth, brittany would get mad at me. Just what i need. The person who scared the daylights outta me mad, but it didn't work out so well. I’m a horrible liar. Like actually, i can’t lie to save my life and everyone knows it. So my plan to lie failed. Brittnay found out. she wasn’t told the actual truth though and said some not very uplifting things about me. I tried though, but i guess I shouldnt of tried. It would of been better if i didn’t. If i would just say and was silent, but that wouldn't work either because then everyone would know im not okay.
I feel like no matter how hard i try drama follows me like a little puppy would. I try so hard to make others happy, but it doesn't matter what i do, nothing is good enough for them. I end up saying or doing the wrong thing.
I reach for my computer shaking off all the negative things. I need to write, i need to get all these feelings out. The only thing, in my mind, that keeps me from going mentally insane is my writing. I know that no matter what, i can turn to it. It won’t judge me, it won't get mad at me, and it will always make me feel safe. It wasn't until this year when i found out i was a good writer. Where i could sit down anywhere and the words would just flow from my brain and my fingers would glide across the keyboard or paper. A lot of people say i'm a good writer. I have no clue where i get it from or how I am though.
I use to be able to write paragraphs for people. Telling them how i feel, trying to lift them up, or encourage them. Unfortunately now, the thought of doing it makes me want to cry. To many memories, names, thoughts race through my head. I want to go back, back in time when… well… i wasn't afraid and felt safe.
This friday is the last week of school, but somehow, i know it's going to be one slow week. The minutes that makeup this day will feel like years. Why can’t i disappear. Slip away into my own world, with only the people who love me and want me.
Quickly I grab my phone. Flip through my apps and go to call Maddie. I need to talk to her, tell her things before i try to go back, back to those days, back to brittany. I know i won’t ever be able to go back to her, but my brain takes over my body and tries anyway.
As the tears start to well up in my eyes, i call her. “ M-M-Maddie”
“ Oh my goodness what's wrong now. What happened,” She replies as the once held back tears spill over my eyes and down my cold, round cheeks.
“ I can’t do this. I feel lost. She makes me feel like i'm not worthy of anything. She didn’t even say goodbye and that means she never cared. She ignores me and stares at me. Why? she wanted it to end. She doesn’t love me anymore. That means i'm a horrible person,” I cry
“ Maddie, hunny. Please don't think any of that is true. I don't know why she keeps doing what she is doing. Why she is giving you those looks and talking about you. Before i thought it was because you were doing something, but now i make sure im always around you and you really aren't. So i don't understand her. I wish i knew the answer, but i don't. Just know that you are worth it. There are a lot of people that do love you and want you in there lives.”
I can’t answer her. I sit there in the silence of my room balling like a baby. I miss her way too much and it's too hard. I have to tell her i'm sorry. I have to say goodbye to her. I have to show her that i'm not a horrible person. I know just because i say this, doesn’t mean anything will happen. I know britney will still hate me, I know she’s fine without me, and i definitely know, more then ever, that she never meant any of the words that she told me.
i roll over in my bed, a stream of tears gushing out of my eyes, and go to sleep. Sleeping makes everything go away. It makes me believe that for awhile, i am okay.
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